Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Hovering

So a few weeks ago I finally broke my previous lowest weight of 215. Then I came back to it. Then I lost it and got to 212. Then, as of this week am back to 215.
You can see the chart here:


I am frustrated. Psychologically I need to get beyond 215 and not by a few pounds but by a large enough margin that a slight gain won't get me back to it. It is a wall, it was the wall last time I trekked on weight loss. It seems insurmountable and very discouraging. Even though, looking at the graph it is easy to see the victory already accomplished. Now it is a mental game, I know that somehow I am sabotaging myself. Or my body is and I am not aware of it.

Discipline, I hope this will help me beat this wall. I stand at this wall, in it's shadow and as Ivan Drago in Rocky IV I say "I must break you." Or is it the wall telling me "I must break you?" Hmm...that is worthy of some reflection. After all I far more identify with the Rocky character.(Let alone desire the same physique, but that is not realistic) It is not going to be easy. It will take perhaps more effort than before. I say this because I recently completed Phase I of my program and am now on to Phase II in which I can eat more fruits and vegetables, not just program regimen. Perhaps that is the factor. I am eating more though it is more of the right stuff. Except, perhaps, for the Tri Tip I had on Mother's day. Ahh, but this is not confession time. Not yet, guilt has not overcome me yet. Perhaps later...later later.

So I reach deep with in and find the warrior needed to fight my natural tendencies to be lazy and over eat and snack. I must remind myself of how I got this far and why I did. I must fight.

It is a lonely trek however and I think that has gotten to me.Sure I blog about it and am transparent about the journey. Admitedly in an effort to not only inspire and to vent but to feel like others are walking with me. Yet the loneliness is there. No one can walk my walk. No one has the inner demons that I have, the same attraction to food that I have. Nor the reasons that I have. No one feels the pain with every pounce on the pavement that I feel or the thoughts that I have to keep picking up my feet to move. It is a lonely path.

I am the only one in the ring with the wall. At times the loneliness is empowering in that I impress myself with I can drive myself to do and what I can accomplish. That alone is empowering, to witness my own resolve and see its fruit. Setting out to ride 30 miles on the bike with no one else...nothing more than my Ipod and my own thoughts.

But then I am overcome. This is not easy, have I said that already? I wish someone else could carry this load for me sometimes. But no one can. I did this to myself. I am the one that aged my body and damaged it. It is my mess to clean up. And what a mess it is.