Hovering

So a few weeks ago I finally broke my previous lowest weight of 215. Then I came back to it. Then I lost it and got to 212. Then, as of this week am back to 215.

You can see the chart here:

I am frustrated. Psychologically I need to get beyond 215 and not by a few pounds but by a large enough margin that a slight gain won't get me back to it. It is a wall, it was the wall last time I trekked on weight loss. It seems insurmountable and very discouraging. Even though, looking at the graph it is easy to see the victory already accomplished. Now it is a mental game, I know that somehow I am sabotaging myself. Or my body is and I am not aware of it.

Discipline, I hope this will help me beat this wall. I stand at this wall, in it's shadow and as Ivan Drago in Rocky IV I say "I must break you." Or is it the wall telling me "I must break you?" Hmm...that is worthy of some reflection. After all I far more identify with the Rocky character.(Let alone desire the same physique, but that is not realistic) It is not going to be easy. It will take perhaps more effort than before. I say this because I recently completed Phase I of my program and am now on to Phase II in which I can eat more fruits and vegetables, not just program regimen. Perhaps that is the factor. I am eating more though it is more of the right stuff. Except, perhaps, for the Tri Tip I had on Mother's day. Ahh, but this is not confession time. Not yet, guilt has not overcome me yet. Perhaps later...later later.

So I reach deep with in and find the warrior needed to fight my natural tendencies to be lazy and over eat and snack. I must remind myself of how I got this far and why I did. I must fight.

It is a lonely trek however and I think that has gotten to me.Sure I blog about it and am transparent about the journey. Admitedly in an effort to not only inspire and to vent but to feel like others are walking with me. Yet the loneliness is there. No one can walk my walk. No one has the inner demons that I have, the same attraction to food that I have. Nor the reasons that I have. No one feels the pain with every pounce on the pavement that I feel or the thoughts that I have to keep picking up my feet to move. It is a lonely path.

I am the only one in the ring with the wall. At times the loneliness is empowering in that I impress myself with I can drive myself to do and what I can accomplish. That alone is empowering, to witness my own resolve and see its fruit. Setting out to ride 30 miles on the bike with no one else...nothing more than my Ipod and my own thoughts.

But then I am overcome. This is not easy, have I said that already? I wish someone else could carry this load for me sometimes. But no one can. I did this to myself. I am the one that aged my body and damaged it. It is my mess to clean up. And what a mess it is.

Crabs In A Bucket...

I read a story once and it went like this:

One day I was walking along the Washington Beach, the black beach in Washington, North Carolina with my father. I was about eight years old. I noticed a man with a bucket of crabs. The crab bucket did not have a top on it. I asked my father why the crabs were not able to escape. My father’s explanation taught me a valuable lesson.

My father said, “If there was only one crab in the bucket it would certainly escape. However, when there is more than one crab in the bucket, if one tries to crawl out, the other crabs would grab hold and pull it back down so that it would share the same fate as the rest of them.”

One thing I have heard a lot of in my weight loss class is others' experience with lack of support from certain friends. This story came to mind and I shared it. We all could relate. It is amazing to me how some folks are apathetic or worse when it comes to another's success. Even more so in the arena of weight loss and exercise.

Success is hinged on encouragement. Encouragement is hinged on selflessness. Sure another's success in an area that is a struggle for you is only a mirror whose reflection you do not like.

I encouraged my fellow participants to gravitate to those that are encouraging them and try to encourage those who are not. They probably don't want to hear it, but remember encouragment is hinged on selflessness. That's my wisdom, I did not get it from anywhere else but my own experience.

It is also important to "set to the plow" and not look behind, or your path will not be true. I am going somewhere, I hope to not go alone, but will if necessary.

Milestone Accomplished....Mission Still Pending

I weighed in today at 213.6 lbs. The lowest I have weighed in nearly 10 years. That is a total of 41.4 lbs since January 1.

After my meeting, which is the 2nd to last meeting of Phase I, my measurements were taken at the gym. Here is the update:

Prior:                           Today:
Chest: 46.5....44 1/2 Waist: 48.5....43 1/2 Thigh: 21.5...22 (this is cool, BTW) Calf:16.... 15 1/4 Arm: 12.75.....13 (this is cool, BTW) Body Fat: 34.6....31.1%
BMI: 32.9.........32.4%


Considering that I gained 1.2 lbs over the course of 2 weeks then lost 3.8 and improved the measurements, I am very happy.

NEW STATS ARE IN!

So here are the latest stats on my body reconfiguration.

Waist: 43.5 --  Down 2 inches exactly
Thigh: 21   --  Down 2 inches exactly
Calf:   15.25 -- Down 1/2 inch
Arm: 13    -- No change, but this number should be going up slightly as a transform my arm fat to muscle.

And the most exciting part...........
Body Fat %: 30.7 down from 33.3!!
BMI:  32.9 down from 34.4!! Almost out of the 30's. Any BMI over 30 is considered obese. It will be nice to not be obese, by this chart anyway.

Even when the scale is not my friend, I rely on these numbers to keep me positive.

Fear...what is it good for?

Thoughts from the Saddle...

I rode in Irvine yesterday again, on the same track as the pros. My buddy Ben who has been there the last few weeks was not there. I kinda grew accustomed to him being there, he is always encouraging, even when lapping me. All the others just ride by, focused on their performance. He always has something to say. But he was not there. Also, last week, a new guy was there, he weighed about 400 lbs. It was nice to have him there because he was as slow as me. Not necessarily a good thing for me, but I'll take it. It was nice to have some company on the ride. Although, he did not make the best partner for me after all. He was a bit belligerent about his condition.

You may know the type, he had all the answers for being healthy and losing weight, and yet there he is at 400 lbs. Hey, good for him to get on the bike and tackle the hills. I guess his inspriation is different than mine. I found it a bit hard to relate. Anyway, he only lasted 7 miles, his legs cramped on him. Perhaps due to the fact he had no water and refused my reserve bottle. He said it would just get in the way and that when he was in football in High School he would go through Hell Week with little or no water. Hmm...

So this weekI was on my own. Feeling a bit lonely but then I had been feeling sad and fearful all week. They had been around for the past week but on this ride I let them have their voice. As it turns out, it was really fear that was striking me.

Cranking up the lonely hill, trying desperately to find hapiness in the chosen Black Eyed Peas songs I downloaded, I asked myself permission to let go of my heart and let it speak. So as the song faded into the Rocky Soundtrack Theme Song and my legs pumped up that hill I was overcome with fear.

Ask any man what he fears most and most will have the same answer. FAILURE. I was fearing failure.

I am reaching the last month of Phase I in my HMR plan after which I will move to Phase II which is less money, and less of the prepared foods. The weight loss is slower as I will be slowly moving back in to reality of eating. I could do Phase I again and probably should but the cost is high and I have yet to get insurance reimbursement. So I fear.

I fear that I won't hit my goal weight. I have not been under 216 pounds in nearly 9 years. Currently I am at 219. What if I stall here and don't get another 3? Then I move to Phase II and slow down on loss? What if I  don't hit 170? I will have failed. I will have failed....myself, my family, my body. Then what? I fear.

I fear that I will gain it all back, that I will go back to dependency on diabetic medication. Then how will I face all who have doubted? What will they say? What will they think? I fear.

I fear failure. Sure there is much to be said about how failure can also be inspiring...a new beginning, a new chance to start over. Yeah I get that, but failure stinks just the same. There is so much to answer and account for when I fail. Especially internally. The shame of my self is the worst. It never seems to go away,  it is a Video Player that plays a tape of my failures inside my head. And it pays no mind to the time. It plays all day and even louder at night. I fear that.

Failures have gifts that they bring, believe it or not. We just have to sit with them and give them time to speak. It is then that we learn from them.

Wise as that may be, I still fear failure and do not want to encounter it.

So what was feeding this fear? Ahhh....feeding, a choice word indeed. I took a few liberties over the weekend and indulged in foods that perhaps I should not have. Let's see...on Friday it was a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell and Fresco Crunchy Taco oh and the last bit of Cheesy Rollup that Ava did not eat. Perfect little munchkin! You always leave an "offering" to your daddy, don't you? Ten Percent Ava! That is all I ask!

Then it was an egg later that night, not a bad thing since there was no carbs. Then it was a piece of bread. Then a girl scout cookie. What a night!

Then came Sunday, a few tastes of Chips, peanut butter, another slice of bread to adjoin my Chicken Salad (made with Walden Farms Fat Free Mayo), then a taste of Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake...meh.

And I skipped my prescribed meal because after all, I was full! I justified it because I did my fastest 25 mile ride on Sunday afternoon, worked out on Saturday, sweat like crazy doing yard work, hey I was burning Cal's!!

See how easy it is to go back to the lover? See how I can slip? See how I can FAIL?

What have I done in the course of one weekend? Have I reversed all of my exercise, all of my effort? Perhaps, but the disappointment overcame me on Tuesday's ride. Perhaps it was not seeing my friend. Perhaps it was the unavoidable loneliness of riding on my own while watching the other riders ride in a pack. I am not as good as them. That was alright a few weeks ago but not today. Not now. Right now I wish I had the discipline and determination that they possess. I wish I had the physical ability and muscle twitch to ride with such explosion of effort and strength. Right now I wish I was thin and capable. Right now I wish I was a part of the club. Right now I wish someone else with my struggles was with me.

I feel better today. I guess I can expect to feel the sadness and fear time and again as life goes on, as this journey progresses.

Today was a good day. I sat in the Dr's office to discuss my latest blood tests. I cried and told him that it was a rough week, mentally and emotionally. I was not sure that I would succeed in beating the disease, that I would fail and stay fat and ugly.

I pulled out my test results. A1C is a test that shows the long term glucose levels in your blood. A normal, healthy A1C level is under 6. Mine, in January, was 7.7 which is very unhealthy and demonstrative of Type II Diabetes. Today, my A1C is 5.8 which is not diabetic. My bad cholesterol is low, within healthy range, good cholesterol is up.

"You beat it. Your A1C level is non Diabetic. This is Victory!" Dr Nikravan said. "Your weight is down to 219 from 245 at the program start. 26 pounds. This is very good."

Since January 1 I have lost 36 pounds. I am three away from 216, four from being below that wretched number.

I cried, quietly but proudly. For all the "cheats" along the way for all the moments I chose to sit and not move, for all the moments I did not push myself a little harder on that bike, for all my ex lover's desperate attempts to woo back...for all this I cried. Because I still won. I beat the Red Bastard (my nick name for Diabetes).

I beat it down. Now I have to keep striking until it cannot get up anymore. I have added years to my life, life to my years...life to my kids.

I have fought. I am fighting. Today I won... I won another day to fight again.

By God's Good Grace

Okay, so the other night I took the kids to Mickey D's for dinner. Just as a treat. Julie was out of town at Winter camp. So I was going to get them each their own Happy Meal. Now I was dreading it because I did not want to sit in there and I knew that if I did, my slow poke eaters (Landon and Ava) would not be able to defend their fries from me.

So the whole drive over, I am panicking about how I am going to avoid the temptation. With every turn of the wheels I can sense the craving for those delicious fries growing inside of me. Sweat beading down my face, hands getting clammy, heart beat racing.

"Should I even be taking them? This is not healthy for them either." I thought. "Blasted! The dang toys, Star Wars and iCarly. Dang geniuses!"

Well I already told them I would, and clogging their arteries is less important than breaking my word at this point. Besides, Landon and Emma just asked if they could get Apples instead of fries. Darn little darlings...

Ah HA! Solution, I have my gym bag, I can go throught the Drive-Thru and then go to the YMCA and they can eat at the KidZone. Perfect!

But, that smell, oh that smell that emanates from the inner bowels of the grease peddling beast, oh how I love it. And how will I avoid that? As soon as I roll down the window to order, it will fill my truck...what to do?

So we pull up and it was as if God sent his divine angels ahead of me and did a glorious thing. As soon as I roll down my window I take a deep breath with my nose, filling my chest with air and puffing out like Superman. A contented smile on my face as I indulge in the glorious --- wait, there is something dreadfully wrong here. What in the --- THAT is NOT the smell of Fries. THAT is the SMELL OF ROTTEN GARBAGE. Gag.

It just so turns out that just prior to our arrival the trash man came and the crew was cleaning out the dumpsters. So all craving shrank in me. Shriveled away like a fast food pickle in the hot burning sun.

So happily I ordered, and quickly as I wanted to get that window shut immediately. Funny enough, none of the kids caught the smell, just me. Hmm....

Just as well, I was so upset by the shock to my senses that even the happy meals in the Truck were not a temptation. Because you know I would normally HAVE to taste a few fries, just to make sure they are good. But not this time.

So off to the Y and off to sweat it off. Good times.

Victory!

So last week I was extremely frustrated at the loss of a mere 4/10 of a pound...NOT EVEN A HALF POUND!!!!!!!

This week I got payback. I had my biggest loss yet. 6 pounds lost. I now weigh 222 pounds. Starting on January 1st at 255, I have now lost 33 pounds. I still have 52 to go. If I continue on this path in another 5 weeks, I will be near 200 lbs. I have not been there in 10 years.

It feels good, I must say. I feel good. It feels awesome to wear my suits because, after all, I look darn good. And I have a pair of Wranglers that now fit.

All good stuff. Until I lose SO much weight that I will then have nothing to wear. Good problem to have, I just hope my bank account fattens up as I get skinny.