NEW STATS ARE IN!

So here are the latest stats on my body reconfiguration.

Waist: 43.5 --  Down 2 inches exactly
Thigh: 21   --  Down 2 inches exactly
Calf:   15.25 -- Down 1/2 inch
Arm: 13    -- No change, but this number should be going up slightly as a transform my arm fat to muscle.

And the most exciting part...........
Body Fat %: 30.7 down from 33.3!!
BMI:  32.9 down from 34.4!! Almost out of the 30's. Any BMI over 30 is considered obese. It will be nice to not be obese, by this chart anyway.

Even when the scale is not my friend, I rely on these numbers to keep me positive.

Fear...what is it good for?

Thoughts from the Saddle...

I rode in Irvine yesterday again, on the same track as the pros. My buddy Ben who has been there the last few weeks was not there. I kinda grew accustomed to him being there, he is always encouraging, even when lapping me. All the others just ride by, focused on their performance. He always has something to say. But he was not there. Also, last week, a new guy was there, he weighed about 400 lbs. It was nice to have him there because he was as slow as me. Not necessarily a good thing for me, but I'll take it. It was nice to have some company on the ride. Although, he did not make the best partner for me after all. He was a bit belligerent about his condition.

You may know the type, he had all the answers for being healthy and losing weight, and yet there he is at 400 lbs. Hey, good for him to get on the bike and tackle the hills. I guess his inspriation is different than mine. I found it a bit hard to relate. Anyway, he only lasted 7 miles, his legs cramped on him. Perhaps due to the fact he had no water and refused my reserve bottle. He said it would just get in the way and that when he was in football in High School he would go through Hell Week with little or no water. Hmm...

So this weekI was on my own. Feeling a bit lonely but then I had been feeling sad and fearful all week. They had been around for the past week but on this ride I let them have their voice. As it turns out, it was really fear that was striking me.

Cranking up the lonely hill, trying desperately to find hapiness in the chosen Black Eyed Peas songs I downloaded, I asked myself permission to let go of my heart and let it speak. So as the song faded into the Rocky Soundtrack Theme Song and my legs pumped up that hill I was overcome with fear.

Ask any man what he fears most and most will have the same answer. FAILURE. I was fearing failure.

I am reaching the last month of Phase I in my HMR plan after which I will move to Phase II which is less money, and less of the prepared foods. The weight loss is slower as I will be slowly moving back in to reality of eating. I could do Phase I again and probably should but the cost is high and I have yet to get insurance reimbursement. So I fear.

I fear that I won't hit my goal weight. I have not been under 216 pounds in nearly 9 years. Currently I am at 219. What if I stall here and don't get another 3? Then I move to Phase II and slow down on loss? What if I  don't hit 170? I will have failed. I will have failed....myself, my family, my body. Then what? I fear.

I fear that I will gain it all back, that I will go back to dependency on diabetic medication. Then how will I face all who have doubted? What will they say? What will they think? I fear.

I fear failure. Sure there is much to be said about how failure can also be inspiring...a new beginning, a new chance to start over. Yeah I get that, but failure stinks just the same. There is so much to answer and account for when I fail. Especially internally. The shame of my self is the worst. It never seems to go away,  it is a Video Player that plays a tape of my failures inside my head. And it pays no mind to the time. It plays all day and even louder at night. I fear that.

Failures have gifts that they bring, believe it or not. We just have to sit with them and give them time to speak. It is then that we learn from them.

Wise as that may be, I still fear failure and do not want to encounter it.

So what was feeding this fear? Ahhh....feeding, a choice word indeed. I took a few liberties over the weekend and indulged in foods that perhaps I should not have. Let's see...on Friday it was a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell and Fresco Crunchy Taco oh and the last bit of Cheesy Rollup that Ava did not eat. Perfect little munchkin! You always leave an "offering" to your daddy, don't you? Ten Percent Ava! That is all I ask!

Then it was an egg later that night, not a bad thing since there was no carbs. Then it was a piece of bread. Then a girl scout cookie. What a night!

Then came Sunday, a few tastes of Chips, peanut butter, another slice of bread to adjoin my Chicken Salad (made with Walden Farms Fat Free Mayo), then a taste of Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake...meh.

And I skipped my prescribed meal because after all, I was full! I justified it because I did my fastest 25 mile ride on Sunday afternoon, worked out on Saturday, sweat like crazy doing yard work, hey I was burning Cal's!!

See how easy it is to go back to the lover? See how I can slip? See how I can FAIL?

What have I done in the course of one weekend? Have I reversed all of my exercise, all of my effort? Perhaps, but the disappointment overcame me on Tuesday's ride. Perhaps it was not seeing my friend. Perhaps it was the unavoidable loneliness of riding on my own while watching the other riders ride in a pack. I am not as good as them. That was alright a few weeks ago but not today. Not now. Right now I wish I had the discipline and determination that they possess. I wish I had the physical ability and muscle twitch to ride with such explosion of effort and strength. Right now I wish I was thin and capable. Right now I wish I was a part of the club. Right now I wish someone else with my struggles was with me.

I feel better today. I guess I can expect to feel the sadness and fear time and again as life goes on, as this journey progresses.

Today was a good day. I sat in the Dr's office to discuss my latest blood tests. I cried and told him that it was a rough week, mentally and emotionally. I was not sure that I would succeed in beating the disease, that I would fail and stay fat and ugly.

I pulled out my test results. A1C is a test that shows the long term glucose levels in your blood. A normal, healthy A1C level is under 6. Mine, in January, was 7.7 which is very unhealthy and demonstrative of Type II Diabetes. Today, my A1C is 5.8 which is not diabetic. My bad cholesterol is low, within healthy range, good cholesterol is up.

"You beat it. Your A1C level is non Diabetic. This is Victory!" Dr Nikravan said. "Your weight is down to 219 from 245 at the program start. 26 pounds. This is very good."

Since January 1 I have lost 36 pounds. I am three away from 216, four from being below that wretched number.

I cried, quietly but proudly. For all the "cheats" along the way for all the moments I chose to sit and not move, for all the moments I did not push myself a little harder on that bike, for all my ex lover's desperate attempts to woo back...for all this I cried. Because I still won. I beat the Red Bastard (my nick name for Diabetes).

I beat it down. Now I have to keep striking until it cannot get up anymore. I have added years to my life, life to my years...life to my kids.

I have fought. I am fighting. Today I won... I won another day to fight again.

By God's Good Grace

Okay, so the other night I took the kids to Mickey D's for dinner. Just as a treat. Julie was out of town at Winter camp. So I was going to get them each their own Happy Meal. Now I was dreading it because I did not want to sit in there and I knew that if I did, my slow poke eaters (Landon and Ava) would not be able to defend their fries from me.

So the whole drive over, I am panicking about how I am going to avoid the temptation. With every turn of the wheels I can sense the craving for those delicious fries growing inside of me. Sweat beading down my face, hands getting clammy, heart beat racing.

"Should I even be taking them? This is not healthy for them either." I thought. "Blasted! The dang toys, Star Wars and iCarly. Dang geniuses!"

Well I already told them I would, and clogging their arteries is less important than breaking my word at this point. Besides, Landon and Emma just asked if they could get Apples instead of fries. Darn little darlings...

Ah HA! Solution, I have my gym bag, I can go throught the Drive-Thru and then go to the YMCA and they can eat at the KidZone. Perfect!

But, that smell, oh that smell that emanates from the inner bowels of the grease peddling beast, oh how I love it. And how will I avoid that? As soon as I roll down the window to order, it will fill my truck...what to do?

So we pull up and it was as if God sent his divine angels ahead of me and did a glorious thing. As soon as I roll down my window I take a deep breath with my nose, filling my chest with air and puffing out like Superman. A contented smile on my face as I indulge in the glorious --- wait, there is something dreadfully wrong here. What in the --- THAT is NOT the smell of Fries. THAT is the SMELL OF ROTTEN GARBAGE. Gag.

It just so turns out that just prior to our arrival the trash man came and the crew was cleaning out the dumpsters. So all craving shrank in me. Shriveled away like a fast food pickle in the hot burning sun.

So happily I ordered, and quickly as I wanted to get that window shut immediately. Funny enough, none of the kids caught the smell, just me. Hmm....

Just as well, I was so upset by the shock to my senses that even the happy meals in the Truck were not a temptation. Because you know I would normally HAVE to taste a few fries, just to make sure they are good. But not this time.

So off to the Y and off to sweat it off. Good times.

Victory!

So last week I was extremely frustrated at the loss of a mere 4/10 of a pound...NOT EVEN A HALF POUND!!!!!!!

This week I got payback. I had my biggest loss yet. 6 pounds lost. I now weigh 222 pounds. Starting on January 1st at 255, I have now lost 33 pounds. I still have 52 to go. If I continue on this path in another 5 weeks, I will be near 200 lbs. I have not been there in 10 years.

It feels good, I must say. I feel good. It feels awesome to wear my suits because, after all, I look darn good. And I have a pair of Wranglers that now fit.

All good stuff. Until I lose SO much weight that I will then have nothing to wear. Good problem to have, I just hope my bank account fattens up as I get skinny.

Thoughts from the Saddle: Not Every Man Lives...

So I set out to find more ways to get in cycle time. I really do enjoy cycling, thanks to a very generous friend at church. He not only gave me a bike that is absolutely amazing, but he also equipped me with short liners, cycling shorts, socks, and a helmet. The shorts are my favorite, they are bibs, actually. They have a bunch of holes on one of the legs because of a spill he took.

Fast forward to today. I find a cycling group that meets in Irvine, close to where I work and they ride a 2.7 mile loop for one hour, and get in about 20 miles. I thought to myself, "Self. Why don't you do that." They meet on Tuesdays at 5:30, I can do that.

So I pull into the lot where they meet. Well, these guys are pro cyclists. Fully sponsored team jerseys and shorts. Bikes worth more than I make in a year. Shoes that only Lance Armstrong would wear. I mean these guys are dressed to the 9's, true pros.

To add even more to the situation, they are fit...I mean FIT. And their legs were sites to behold. So as I am casing the situation, getting my bike out of the truck I notice a couple of guys in gray hair, easily mid 50's or older. Same uniforms as the other guys, but older. And they have a tandem.

"Perfect!" I thought. "I will just keep up with them and draft. This will be easy, a little challenging but riding in a group helps cut the effort."

So there I stand with my beautiful bike. Hole riddled shorts, $10 Aviator sunglasses from Olvera Street, a helmet whose strap is held together by electrical tape, cotton socks from Costco (you know the kind, with the thick Gray soles...I love those!), leg warmers that are a little stretched out, and over my cool jersey a red sweatshirt from Target. Because it was very cold and I don't have cycling cold weather shells. Oh, and we cannot forget the lumps. My lovely manly lumps. That, rest assured, not a single other rider had.

So no one talks to me at first. Then one guy, Ben says "Hi!"

"Cool," I thought. "Umm this is my first time." As if he could not tell.

"These guys are pretty serious," he responds, "I come to get a good work out, but, don't be surprised if you can't keep up."

"Oh, I won't be. I am just here to ride be among other cyclists. I am here for my health." I say ever so proudly. And nerdy.

I felt so out of place but wanting not to be.

Another guy rode the loop once with me during warm up. He was cool, his name was John and was a serious rider though not part of the racing team that made up the majority of the group.

So the ride begins to form at the start point, I am coming back from a warm up round but keep going. I figured they would catch up to me, no sense in starting with them only to drop off. It would be equally humiliating to get passed.

"When they catch me I will just hook in with the old guys on the tandem." Naively thought I.

I was at the crest of the hill, quite proud of myself for maintaining a 9.5 mph pace up the climb, when I heard a humm. I looked over my right shoulder, trying not veer off into the sidewalk , and about 300 yards back is the pack. I laugh to myself.

"This is going to be funny. Here I am plodding away and these guys are going to pass me at speeds 3 times what I am doing. But here comes the down hill and I still am hund--" WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOOSH WHOOSH...I have been passed.

But no worry, I am on the down hill I can keep up with them, oh and there goes the Old Tandem Riders. These guys look like Penn and Teller. No proble---WHOOSH WHOOOSH...they passed me too and I cannot catch up. I am now going 28 mph and cannot keep up.

So I went on to the bottom of the hill and watch them make the turn in great precision and speed. I do the same, only with a little less speed. I caught up to them at the stop light. And when the light turned green, before I could clip in to take off, I was alone again. Good times. I tried to catch up, getting up to 30 mph but could not catch them. They were easily hitting 40 mph. I came to find out later that they were taking the climbs at 25mph. The same climb that I was proud to hit 9.5 on.

I was WAAYY out of my league. But once in the middle and at the very end, Ben stopped at the crest of the hill and waited for me. The old guys on the tandem, Penn and Teller, they lapped me like 5 times. Pfft!! Old guys.

Ben was cool. He told me he started riding 2 years ago and has lost 70 lbs.. He was a cool guy and was clearly worked by the team. He kept up with them better than I did but by the end he was dropped.

I had a blast. Most of the time I was alone, almost all of the time except for when I was being passed. But I was not disheartened. I loved hearing the gears and grunts of these athletes and for a brief moment I was in the pack with them. It felt good.

I don't know if I will ever get that good. Don't know if I want to. Maybe when I am in my fifties and I can find another guy to ride tandem with me.

I found hapiness in being the new guy with the ratty shorts and $15 tech sweatshirt from Tar-jay. For now, the race is to lose the weight so that I can live. The race is to beat diabetes, to make it die before me. The race is to cross the first of many finish lines in the many physical feats that await me. The race is to live. All men die. Not every man truly lives.

I lived today. I lived well.

Current Measurements: VICTORIOUS

VICTORY VICTORY VICTORY!

I am seeing marked improvement on my measurements:
Chest: 45...    -1.5 inches
Waist: 45 1/2...  -3 inches
Thigh: 23...  +2.5 inches This is due to cycling like mad. My thighs are stronger.
Calf: 15 1/4...  -1 3/4 inches
Arm: 13...  +1/4 inch Again due to weight training.
Body Fat: 33.3%...  -1.3%
Body Mass Index: 34.4...  -2.7

Memories...

So Julie and were loading up old pix to our Mac the other night. Pictures taken from 2001-2004. I found myself quickly flipping through the pictures that I was in because I could not stand to see the condition my body was in at the time. FAT...with an "F" not a "PH."

It was totally shaming to me. That was when I was flirting with 260lbs!

Isn't it a shame? I know that I am not alone in this. How many of you do the same? Or, worse yet, avoid being in pictures at events because you are fat. You know what we are doing? We are excluding ourselves from the memory captures of our family because we chose food over our health. Does that ring true? Does it bring shame upon your shoulders? It does me.

So what's it going to be? That double cheese burger that Paris Hilton showcases on the TV commercial or being a part of the digitally captured memories of your children's youth?