Fear...what is it good for?

Thoughts from the Saddle...

I rode in Irvine yesterday again, on the same track as the pros. My buddy Ben who has been there the last few weeks was not there. I kinda grew accustomed to him being there, he is always encouraging, even when lapping me. All the others just ride by, focused on their performance. He always has something to say. But he was not there. Also, last week, a new guy was there, he weighed about 400 lbs. It was nice to have him there because he was as slow as me. Not necessarily a good thing for me, but I'll take it. It was nice to have some company on the ride. Although, he did not make the best partner for me after all. He was a bit belligerent about his condition.

You may know the type, he had all the answers for being healthy and losing weight, and yet there he is at 400 lbs. Hey, good for him to get on the bike and tackle the hills. I guess his inspriation is different than mine. I found it a bit hard to relate. Anyway, he only lasted 7 miles, his legs cramped on him. Perhaps due to the fact he had no water and refused my reserve bottle. He said it would just get in the way and that when he was in football in High School he would go through Hell Week with little or no water. Hmm...

So this weekI was on my own. Feeling a bit lonely but then I had been feeling sad and fearful all week. They had been around for the past week but on this ride I let them have their voice. As it turns out, it was really fear that was striking me.

Cranking up the lonely hill, trying desperately to find hapiness in the chosen Black Eyed Peas songs I downloaded, I asked myself permission to let go of my heart and let it speak. So as the song faded into the Rocky Soundtrack Theme Song and my legs pumped up that hill I was overcome with fear.

Ask any man what he fears most and most will have the same answer. FAILURE. I was fearing failure.

I am reaching the last month of Phase I in my HMR plan after which I will move to Phase II which is less money, and less of the prepared foods. The weight loss is slower as I will be slowly moving back in to reality of eating. I could do Phase I again and probably should but the cost is high and I have yet to get insurance reimbursement. So I fear.

I fear that I won't hit my goal weight. I have not been under 216 pounds in nearly 9 years. Currently I am at 219. What if I stall here and don't get another 3? Then I move to Phase II and slow down on loss? What if I  don't hit 170? I will have failed. I will have failed....myself, my family, my body. Then what? I fear.

I fear that I will gain it all back, that I will go back to dependency on diabetic medication. Then how will I face all who have doubted? What will they say? What will they think? I fear.

I fear failure. Sure there is much to be said about how failure can also be inspiring...a new beginning, a new chance to start over. Yeah I get that, but failure stinks just the same. There is so much to answer and account for when I fail. Especially internally. The shame of my self is the worst. It never seems to go away,  it is a Video Player that plays a tape of my failures inside my head. And it pays no mind to the time. It plays all day and even louder at night. I fear that.

Failures have gifts that they bring, believe it or not. We just have to sit with them and give them time to speak. It is then that we learn from them.

Wise as that may be, I still fear failure and do not want to encounter it.

So what was feeding this fear? Ahhh....feeding, a choice word indeed. I took a few liberties over the weekend and indulged in foods that perhaps I should not have. Let's see...on Friday it was a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell and Fresco Crunchy Taco oh and the last bit of Cheesy Rollup that Ava did not eat. Perfect little munchkin! You always leave an "offering" to your daddy, don't you? Ten Percent Ava! That is all I ask!

Then it was an egg later that night, not a bad thing since there was no carbs. Then it was a piece of bread. Then a girl scout cookie. What a night!

Then came Sunday, a few tastes of Chips, peanut butter, another slice of bread to adjoin my Chicken Salad (made with Walden Farms Fat Free Mayo), then a taste of Chocolate Cherry Cheesecake...meh.

And I skipped my prescribed meal because after all, I was full! I justified it because I did my fastest 25 mile ride on Sunday afternoon, worked out on Saturday, sweat like crazy doing yard work, hey I was burning Cal's!!

See how easy it is to go back to the lover? See how I can slip? See how I can FAIL?

What have I done in the course of one weekend? Have I reversed all of my exercise, all of my effort? Perhaps, but the disappointment overcame me on Tuesday's ride. Perhaps it was not seeing my friend. Perhaps it was the unavoidable loneliness of riding on my own while watching the other riders ride in a pack. I am not as good as them. That was alright a few weeks ago but not today. Not now. Right now I wish I had the discipline and determination that they possess. I wish I had the physical ability and muscle twitch to ride with such explosion of effort and strength. Right now I wish I was thin and capable. Right now I wish I was a part of the club. Right now I wish someone else with my struggles was with me.

I feel better today. I guess I can expect to feel the sadness and fear time and again as life goes on, as this journey progresses.

Today was a good day. I sat in the Dr's office to discuss my latest blood tests. I cried and told him that it was a rough week, mentally and emotionally. I was not sure that I would succeed in beating the disease, that I would fail and stay fat and ugly.

I pulled out my test results. A1C is a test that shows the long term glucose levels in your blood. A normal, healthy A1C level is under 6. Mine, in January, was 7.7 which is very unhealthy and demonstrative of Type II Diabetes. Today, my A1C is 5.8 which is not diabetic. My bad cholesterol is low, within healthy range, good cholesterol is up.

"You beat it. Your A1C level is non Diabetic. This is Victory!" Dr Nikravan said. "Your weight is down to 219 from 245 at the program start. 26 pounds. This is very good."

Since January 1 I have lost 36 pounds. I am three away from 216, four from being below that wretched number.

I cried, quietly but proudly. For all the "cheats" along the way for all the moments I chose to sit and not move, for all the moments I did not push myself a little harder on that bike, for all my ex lover's desperate attempts to woo back...for all this I cried. Because I still won. I beat the Red Bastard (my nick name for Diabetes).

I beat it down. Now I have to keep striking until it cannot get up anymore. I have added years to my life, life to my years...life to my kids.

I have fought. I am fighting. Today I won... I won another day to fight again.